I want to live a trillion morns
I wish to have remained unborn.
A princess I will never be
They will never chant my name.

Sub specie aeternitatis [in the perspective of eternity]
I can't see myself at all.
Yet even as I nonexist
Timor mortis conturbat me. [the fear of death disturbs me]

——

Basically I am suffering from two kinds of despair.

The first kind is small and concrete: I want deep friendship that can touch my soul, and I have had those friends in the past, but such intense friendships are hard to last, and they break apart or fade away.
I feel so numb from all the past friendships. I don't want to repeat the cycle again.

The second kind is big and abstract: I want to be remembered. I don't want to live without an eternal meaning, but I know my chances are so small. I will never be a princess like Celestia or Luna, or Twilight. But even though I feel like I'm nothing, the pain is still so real.

Both of these despairs have one thing in common: everything breaks apart, nothing lasts.